Good afternoon!

It's Monday the 13th of July and the first official day of the summer holidays. Well, I say that but I haven't actually been to college since last Wednesday - they dedicated the last week to doing fun activities, and I dedicated that non-compulsory college time to practising for my clarinet grade, which was last Friday. It would have been time well spent had I not succumbed to the pressure of the exam situation. Such is life.

They dragged us back to college for the past four weeks and I can't say it's been of much worth, except that I started my English Lit course and got all my books for that. I have much reading to do and I am much looking forward to it. Also in the past few weeks, I've attended three creative writing courses. The first was at the most beautiful place. It's an Adult Education place that's not far from here, and I only noticed, as mum and I were already on our way there bright and early at 8.30am, that my course only started at 11. So I found myself a bench overlooking the Ribble Valley and read to the background music of birds and sheep. It was pretty awesome. And, once the course started, I turned out to be the youngest person there by a long shot. I don't know why it surprised me - I was at an Adult Education Centre after all! - but it did. One woman there was even BECOMING A GRANDMOTHER as we spoke. Her son lives in Berlin so she had nowhere to rush off to so instead focussed her efforts on describing how my bag was going to CONSUME ME AS I SLEPT and laughing at how she couldn't say these things on business courses, for people would think she was crazy. We were on our lunch break at the time (this was not a writing exercise) so I just laughed along and tried not to make it obvious that I was inching away.

The second course was at my local library, which was full of even older people, including an old lady named Betty who cried at the beauty of another woman's poem. Fortunately, the final course was at college, so I was surrounded by people of my own age and got a day off lessons. Either way, all of them were fun and interesting and informative and helped in different ways.

Anyways, I'm going to move the topic on swiftly because I found out about this list of 18 things to do before you're 18. Apparently it can be found on some american cereal packet but, with five months until my eighteenth, I thought I'd see how I'm doing:

1. Ride the world's (cough) England's biggest rollercoaster: ;) Tick

2. Bungee jump: Not a chance in hell.

3. Score the winning goal/basket: No.

4. Win an award, trophy or prize: I'm sure I must have won something at some point. Tick... :P

5. Learn to play an instrument: Tick.

6. Go backstage at a gig: Tick. I was only walking through but it counts!

7. Meet your idol: My idol is in a band that has yet to come to England.

8. Play a part in your favorite TV show: CSI is shot in America. Damnit...

9. Meet someone with your own name: ...my name is Maura.

10. Make a discovery: I discovered that I'm in today's paper...

11. Get away with the perfect practical joke: Joking that you're pregnant is funny, right? ;)

12. Own a pointless collection: Tick ;D

13. Invent a word that makes it into the dictionary: Urban dictionary?

14. Conquer your biggest fear: I'm getting there. (Read on!)

15. Raise money for charity: Tick.

16. Pass your driving test the first time: Seven months into seventeen and I'm yet to have my first lesson. My parents suck, I could have passed by now!

17. Complete a road trip coast to coast: Er...

18. Reach 18 years of age: Wait! You can't do that before you're 18! That's impossible!

Seven out of eighteen isn't so bad... especially not when this list seems to have been compiled by a bunch of out of touch fourty year olds. 'Invent a word that makes it into the dictionary'?!? That involves creating a word that the media will use often, therefore moving onto the entire population when you're about 13 if you want any chance of ticking it off before you're 18! Think about how many people you know that have created words that have made it into the dictionary... I don't know about you but William Shakespeare is the only person that I can think of and he's hardly a friend of mine.

Anyway, number 14 brings up another point that I've been meaning to write about for a while and it's to do with (sigh) instruments and playing new things in front of new people. I know that this isn't a new topic for me, so bear with me. I'm trying. Although this time it's a completely new thing - we played some new pieces in jazz band a few weeks ago and that didn't scare me at all. I am improving myself... slowly... it'd just be nice to be able to skip out the initial terror...

So Robbie and my cousin go to the same orchestra. I discovered this a few months back when I went to add my cousin on facebook and found out that we had one mutual friend and I rang Robbie up asking how the hell they both know each other. Robbie understands now I have cousins everywhere (I once watched a Dylan Moran stand up DVD, filmed in Dublin in 2005 and one of my cousins was in the audience!) They both play clarinet and I play clarinet and Robbie's ex also goes to the same orchestra and she plays clarinet. I think this serves to prove that clarinet is an awesome instrument. Anyway, a few months after adding my cousin, I was chatting to him and he suggested that I go to his orchestra sometime; he wouldn't mind picking me up. At this point, I was still helping out at drama on Wednesdays so I passed up the offer, but mentioned it to Robbie. To which Robbie suggested I go on their summer course at the end of July. So I thought why not? It'd be something to do in the summer and I'd get better.

A few weeks after deciding this, drama wasn't on. So to see what I was getting myself into, I asked my cousin for a lift to one of the sessions. Panic hit as soon as I'd asked. What had I got myself in to? But I managed to calm myself. I'd never actually heard Robbie play clarinet but I assumed he would be as decent I was. As for his ex, well that just made me nervous in itself. I expected her to be horrible to me (Robbie and I started going out two weeks after they broke up, though they were hardly serious) and to be not that good looking and about as good as me on clarinet. I did not expect to be shoved on a part alone straight away; for Robbie to be so good and for his ex to be so friendly, pretty, intelligent and... amazing at clarinet. Like recordable standard. I think, just to help my ego along, I imagine all of Robbie's exes to be subpar compared to me, and that I'm the best looking (and best in other catagories) girl he's been out with. So to meet his last one in the flesh and find out that seemingly there is nothing wrong with her hit me quite hard. Especially seeing as I was in an extremely vulnerable position as it was, with the whole instrument, new people thing... My thoughts that session pretty much alternated between pure terror of having to play and wondering why Robbie ever had a reason to break up with her?! I was hit with, and I'll admit it, pangs of jealousy for the first time in our (six month!) relationship and it wasn't nice.

The only thing worse than the first session was the second session, which I'd been coerced into attending. That one terrified me more, I think for the combined reason that I already knew what I was getting into and that I wasn't new anymore. I'd had my first session, so it's not like I could blame those first time nerves. They tuned the instruments up at first and as Robbie's ex (I should probably name her; she's most likely over it by now and not wanting to be labelled as such) and Robbie tuned, I had a mind blank and couldn't even remember how to play my tuning note. I narrowed it down to one of two, and quickly moved my finger when I played and it was wrong. I've only been playing for nine years, you see, these things are difficult... I was joined halfway through by a girl who is almost as unconfident in her playing as I was and we buoyed each other up slightly, but even still, I could have easily cried about ten times in that session.

The only thing worse than the second session, is the third. Which is this Wednesday coming. You see, I received all the information about the Summer course (a week long residential which I'm looking forward to... apart from the six hour rehearsals each day.) and mum rang up to check up on a few things. She then said that I'd be there on Wednesday to hand everything in. I think I would look forward to bungee jumping (see no.2 of the list) with more excitement. Robbie is not even going to be there, being away in Menorca until the 22nd. My cousin will be there, so it's not like I'll be entirely alone and he's beginning to understand just the pure terror playing in front of new people induces in me, but it won't be the same. Robbie's helped since the start of Jazz Band in September, helped me get through that and even just having him there is a comfort. I try and hide my fears by being mean to him and he sees through it and understands and... ARGH.

I know, I know, I know that by doing this it'll help me. It's the sole reason I started Jazz Band at college, and why I begged to be moved up from Swing Band. By putting myself into these terrifying situations, I will eventually work myself out of this irrational fear... well at least in the individual situation. But this is possibly my hardest challenge, and I'm not sure why. It's the hardest music I've played in a musical group situation for the clarinet - having missed my local orchestra auditions two years in a row - and I think the main problem for me is the course, where I'll have no chance to go home and cry. And I'll be stuck in the rehearsal situation for hours on end...

Robbie and my cousin both say that these courses are loads of fun, and everyone's standard of playing improves so much…

I just need to overcome this fear. And tick it off that damn list!