er, aren’t you supposed to…

I read this book once - Eve Green by Susan Fletcher - and I completely fell in love. It was so poetic in its description and it didn't surprise me at all to find that the author completely loved poetry. There was an interview with her in the final few pages which revealed that she went to the world renowned Creative Writing and English Literature course at the University of East Anglia, to which I just thought... 'I could go there!'

That was in the middle of year 11, my last year in high school, so University was far from my mind. I was too busy focussing on getting into the college I wanted. I didn't even have any idea what I wanted to do when I was older - as if I could write for a living, how's that going to keep me afloat financially? It was only once we got into college and the emphasis on deciding what we wanted to do in university early on became apparent that I really thought about it. At first, I considered doing something like English Language with Media Studies. There is basically no way I'm not doing English and I thought that course would help with job prospects. But then I heard more about how degrees don't directly affect your job or something and I did me some thinking. Because how many people do you reckon sit around and regret the life decisions they made because they didn't follow their hearts? And I know I know, I know I know, that if I didn't do a creative writing course, it would follow me. I'd stay awake at night, wondering why. I'd finish books and think about if I could have done something like that. True, I could write without the help of the course. But I might as well.

Besides, as soon as I do this Media exam on Monday, there's no way I'm wasting my time with that subject any longer.

So I looked again at this course at UEA and thought about it some more. Unfortunately, as the UEA course name suggests, one needs a full A Level in English Literature. You'd think I'd've worked that out pretty quickly but it wasn't until my PT pointed it out that I realised. As you may have surmised, I don't do English Lit. I thought English Language was enough English for me - it was the one I marginally liked more, due to my lifelong disagreement with poetry.

So I went to my English teacher and asked about doing a course in a year. I'd heard people talking about doing other courses in a year and wondered if it was possible for Lit. And she told me it was.

She took me then to the head of English who talked down to me for the next five minutes, saying how it wouldn't be easy - oh shit, really? -; I'd have to be in an AS class (the year I'm in now) as well as an A2 class (the year I'll be in as of September); and how the University might not accept me because I didn't take the course at the start of the two years. I did think maybe doing it in half the time would show more commitment but still. She also warned me to think of why I didn't take Lit in the first place and that if I didn't like reading, not to bother.

I didn't even try telling her that if it'd be a bit backward if wanted to write but hated reading.

Anyway, after a while of mulling it over, I told my English teacher that I wanted to do it for sure; informed my PT and asked a friend about what class she was in so I could join it - after these exams, we go back for four weeks to start our courses for next year so it'll be worthwhile for me to start then. As it happens, her class is when my Media class is. Perfect.
Besides the way I see it is:

Scenario 1: Everything works out perfectly, I enjoy Lit, get the grades, get into the university and all is well.

Scenario 2: I don't get onto the course - English Literature will help me with writing anyway, wherever I go.

Scenario 3: I hate it - I'll know not to go on the course and do a creative writing one without English Literature. Even if I do hate it, English Lit is bound to help me in some way or another.

And if I spend a hellish year devoting double the normal time to a lesson I end up hating, at the end of the day, it'll be over quickly and I'll have an idea about what course I want to do. It's winful, whichever way I look at it.

The best thing about taking up a full subject in half the allotted time is that I can drop two in its place. It's standard procedure to drop a subject at the end of the first college year. Sometimes people don't, sometimes they take up half of a new course in its place. But seeing as I'm still going to end up with the minimum (for my college) 3 A Levels anyway at the end of the two years, it's alright for me to drop two. Which means I can drop my lowest grade - French, definitely - and the one I dislike - need I say? - in one fell swoop. I love French but you've got to be economical. Especially when the Uni I want requires an AAB. I could do it... just, but not without a certain amount of stress.

The great thing about accepting this in my mind for sure is that people around me have been helping me so much. Mum looked out for courses in Mslexia - she says she would have done something like a creative writing course in another life - and booked me onto a one day 'Develop Yourself as a Writer' course in June. They usually don't take people under 19 onto the course but she explained how it'll help me get into Uni and hey presto, I got a place.

Me and Maeve also made a trip to the library today and I got chatting to the librarian, who hadn't seen me properly since I was about 12, so she was asking all about my future plans. I mentioned how I was wanting to do Creative Writing and she told me of a poetry course they had at the end of June. Now me and Poetry have never been friends in any way - writing or analysing - but I guess this would look good to the Uni and help me break down my barriers for it. It's not that I hate it, I just don't understand it.

The only problem is... well, the writing bit. er... well, I don't know if you've worked it out but... I've not exactly been doing it a lot lately. Of any genre - my life or otherwise. It's just not happened and every time I've got an idea for a blog, apathy just filled me as soon as I sat down. Or Facebook or YouTube or FML or Twitter called my name. Twitter actually, has a lot of blame on its little shoulders. I guess if I want to write in the future, I'd better start put some time aside for it. I have been trying, I've been meaning to but life and exams get in the way… I do have an idea that's just growing nicely in my head at the moment. But I need to give it some room soon or it'll disappear into the dark.

Actually… that's not the only problem. The other problem is my future. Because, most likely, I'll be stuck in a scrubby tiny little flat, doing menial jobs to keep myself afloat and trying to find time to write and live my life. Writing is hardly a solid career to go into and it wouldn’t surprise me if I found a partner who could keep me going whilst I wrote. My future will be uncertain and there’s no way I can be sure I’ll ever be published. In fact, it’s a lot more certain I’ll be stuck in a job I dislike.

Is it weird that I kind of look forward to that uncertainty with a certain amount of excitement?