Saxed out

I like my comfort zone. It’s kind of self explanatory why. But on Friday I was projected well out of that place and left feeling stripped and vulnerable. Just thinking about it makes me feel uneasy.

Few people turned up to Jazz Band so we started a new piece and that comfortable place I had begun to be in was gone. The feeling of being able to do it and of pride from my last few gigs evaporated and I was left feeling like I did at the beginning of the year; stupid, silly and shy. Not suitable at all for an instrument that dwarfed me like the baritone did.

Not only that, I was playing a part one alto piece, which had a solo halfway through it. Chris, the only trumpet that turned up, had the solo too but everyone was dying for a baritone solo. I think Paul saw the uneasiness in my eyes and made Chris do the solo… or at least I thought that until he decided there were few enough people for everyone to do a solo, ending on me.

Any trace of my comfort zone (if there was any to begin with) evaporated. Gone.

Shit.

Naturally, everyone who soloed before me were amazingly talented and sounded great (not that I didn’t already know that) and I was practically having palpitations waiting for my go. I started off on two bars rest. Brilliant. And then partway through, my Baritone decided to stop cooperating. Resulting in another few bars rest. Fantastic. I actually ended with tears in my eyes but I decided to let them fall would be overly dramatic and unnecessary.

Chris was so hyped up afterwards that he persuaded Robbie and Kirsty to skip their lessons and for us all to have a jamming session in one of the practise rooms. Fridays are my afternoons off and Robbie was coming to my house afterwards so it was hardly like I could throw up some excuse as to why I couldn’t join them. So, unwillingly, I followed.

Trying to put things off slightly, I went to the toilet. And when I came back, they had all the keys sorted out and started playing and it sounded really… amazing… and good… andIdidn’tknowanythingandjustsatthereandpanickedand…

I’m not saying it was entirely awful. I learnt Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star on the bass faster than Kirsty and tinkled a bit on the piano but I’m not supposed to be good at those instruments. Nobody’s judging how shit I am because I’m supposed to be shit. Also, the company was good… but in a way, having friends who are better I think are better than me, that’s a whole lot worse.

I just… I really thought I’d got over the whole comparing myself to other people shit. The whole being insecure about playing in front of other people and sight reading and… I know that everyone’s in exactly the same situation as I am… and I know that panicking won’t help me sight read better… Sometimes, though, I just can’t get out of my head quick enough to shake those stupid, stupid thoughts off.

I’m such a contradiction. Someone as shy and insecure as I am shouldn’t play an instrument as immense as the bari sax… but, without it, I would be doubly as shy and even more unwilling to play out in front of people. Without it, I wouldn’t have half the confidence I have now. Crossing emotional barriers like this with it just makes me more attached. I’m stuck fast with it… which makes me more determined to get out of this mindset and just fucking play. And play good.

Easier said than done. And the thought of it scares me to death.
But it’ll happen.

It will.