at the end of the day

How do you fit four elephants into a mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

I've been told I need more faith in myself, especially when it comes to playing the clarinet. I did my grade 5 a few weeks ago and made so many stupid mistakes that I expected to scrape a pass. I found out yesterday I got a merit, which I pretty much exploded with happiness at.
(Pass = okay, merit = very good, distinction = ridiculously good.)

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?

There are footprints in your butter.

Yet a part of me keeps thinking over all the bits I messed up just because I let the nerves get to me and thinking about the mark I could have got. Because I know I could have got much higher.

How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?

They giggle when the lights go out.

I also went on this orchestra course last week and I really don't know what I was panicking about. All the people there were so awesome and nice. The phrase 'orchestra course' probably doesn't spring to mind any interesting images but it was such an enjoyable week. I've not had that much fun in a while, and I felt myself improve so much day by day.

How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?

You have difficulty shutting the door.

At the beginning, they shunted me down near the very end of the second clarinets (sat next to most annoying boy of the year) and I joked to Robbie that I was that bad, but it didn't bother me. Even when the second clarinets would have to repeat things over and over cause the rhythm wasn't quite right, I didn't panic or think that I was awful. The pieces were hard and nobody's perfect.

How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?

As for the concert... I'm kinda disappointed. I know I could play better.

But yeah, maybe I should be easier on myself. I've come so far in the past few months... and I didn't need the support from Robbie that I thought I would over the past week (other than one evening where I misplaced some music, got extremely stressed and cried a bit into his hoody, and then laughed at how stupid I was being and his stupid jokes, and then cried a bit more cause that was just the kind of pathetic mood I was in.)

There's a mini parked outside.

I should get some sleep. Off to the best place in the world (Montpellier) for two weeks avec ma famille.

Which is good. I need a holiday.

Plastic wind??

After spending hours whining in my last post about how panicky I was, I had a good rehearsal at the orchestra. Right at the beginning, they were tuning the instruments up and my clarinet was majorly flat. After about ten minutes of it being passed around and scrutinised, it was decided for definite that it was only a wood effect, plastic clarinet and I was given my cousin's real wood clarinet, obvs keeping my mouthpiece on, - and I'd like to take this chance to point out that my cousin was playing bass clarinet and didn't need his normal one - yet that was still flat. It was only after all this faffing around that Hannah - here's where I name the ex who deserves more than to be referred to as that :D - got her tuner out it was realised that she was sharp the entire time. She's the kind of person who can play out of tune and make everyone else seem in the wrong. I'm not jealous anymore, she's too nice for that.

But this rehearsal, I just kinda realised that I was panicking over nothing. I have known this all along but there's a lot of difference between knowing that a thought is irrational and dealing with it. I had two other people on the same part as me this time and I think the wood clarinet helped a lot; my sound was completely different with it and I (kinda, as much as my shy self will let me) wanted to be heard. I've had my wood-effect clarinet for about seven years now and it's done me a good service but I asked dad about getting a proper decent wooden one and he said he'd expected this for a while now, which sounded a lot like a yes.

We also sorted rooms out and got leaflets on the local area for when we go on this week-long course and I actually started to look forward to it a teensy bit. I'm going to borrow my cousin's clarinet for the course so I should sound good and provided I DON'T PANIC, all shall be well. Although there is a bari sax part which I have been asked to play and I glanced at itanditdidn'tlookparticularlyeasyandnobodyelsewillbeonmypiecewithmeandandand.... yeah, I'd feel sorry for Robbie if I were you. He deals with all this far more than he should do.

Speaking of Robbie, though, that's another thing I am looking forward to on the course. He went away with college to Australia a few weeks ago and four days after touching down in England, jetted off to Menorca with his family, where he shall remain until next Wednesday. Until his phone broke, I didn't miss him too much when he was in Aus; I had college to go to and my clarinet grade to practise/panic for. The missing thing upped a little when he suddenly stopped texting because the 4, 5, 6 keys broke on his phone (his unlock code starts with 6, haha.) but it's nothing compared to RIGHT NOW, when I'm on my summer holidays with NOTHING TO DO. Rachael's gone away and Jade's dying and I have absolutely no plans (otherthanseeHarryPotterin3DonSaturday) until he comes back. Which is quite sad. But yeah, once he does come back, we'll have three days until the orchestra course, after which I jet straight off to France for two weeks. Suffice to say, this has not been a summer of love. So I'm looking forward to spending that week with him and doing all sorts of fun things. Of course, it's not like we'll get any time together but it's better than just him being on the course as I sit around at home and die of boredom and then don't see him until the end of August because he's away again when I come back from France...

Bad timing on both our parts I think. Especially his.
But the moral of the story is: Stop whining, you're not going to die from learning how to be better at clarinet.
Yeah.

Good afternoon!

It's Monday the 13th of July and the first official day of the summer holidays. Well, I say that but I haven't actually been to college since last Wednesday - they dedicated the last week to doing fun activities, and I dedicated that non-compulsory college time to practising for my clarinet grade, which was last Friday. It would have been time well spent had I not succumbed to the pressure of the exam situation. Such is life.

They dragged us back to college for the past four weeks and I can't say it's been of much worth, except that I started my English Lit course and got all my books for that. I have much reading to do and I am much looking forward to it. Also in the past few weeks, I've attended three creative writing courses. The first was at the most beautiful place. It's an Adult Education place that's not far from here, and I only noticed, as mum and I were already on our way there bright and early at 8.30am, that my course only started at 11. So I found myself a bench overlooking the Ribble Valley and read to the background music of birds and sheep. It was pretty awesome. And, once the course started, I turned out to be the youngest person there by a long shot. I don't know why it surprised me - I was at an Adult Education Centre after all! - but it did. One woman there was even BECOMING A GRANDMOTHER as we spoke. Her son lives in Berlin so she had nowhere to rush off to so instead focussed her efforts on describing how my bag was going to CONSUME ME AS I SLEPT and laughing at how she couldn't say these things on business courses, for people would think she was crazy. We were on our lunch break at the time (this was not a writing exercise) so I just laughed along and tried not to make it obvious that I was inching away.

The second course was at my local library, which was full of even older people, including an old lady named Betty who cried at the beauty of another woman's poem. Fortunately, the final course was at college, so I was surrounded by people of my own age and got a day off lessons. Either way, all of them were fun and interesting and informative and helped in different ways.

Anyways, I'm going to move the topic on swiftly because I found out about this list of 18 things to do before you're 18. Apparently it can be found on some american cereal packet but, with five months until my eighteenth, I thought I'd see how I'm doing:

1. Ride the world's (cough) England's biggest rollercoaster: ;) Tick

2. Bungee jump: Not a chance in hell.

3. Score the winning goal/basket: No.

4. Win an award, trophy or prize: I'm sure I must have won something at some point. Tick... :P

5. Learn to play an instrument: Tick.

6. Go backstage at a gig: Tick. I was only walking through but it counts!

7. Meet your idol: My idol is in a band that has yet to come to England.

8. Play a part in your favorite TV show: CSI is shot in America. Damnit...

9. Meet someone with your own name: ...my name is Maura.

10. Make a discovery: I discovered that I'm in today's paper...

11. Get away with the perfect practical joke: Joking that you're pregnant is funny, right? ;)

12. Own a pointless collection: Tick ;D

13. Invent a word that makes it into the dictionary: Urban dictionary?

14. Conquer your biggest fear: I'm getting there. (Read on!)

15. Raise money for charity: Tick.

16. Pass your driving test the first time: Seven months into seventeen and I'm yet to have my first lesson. My parents suck, I could have passed by now!

17. Complete a road trip coast to coast: Er...

18. Reach 18 years of age: Wait! You can't do that before you're 18! That's impossible!

Seven out of eighteen isn't so bad... especially not when this list seems to have been compiled by a bunch of out of touch fourty year olds. 'Invent a word that makes it into the dictionary'?!? That involves creating a word that the media will use often, therefore moving onto the entire population when you're about 13 if you want any chance of ticking it off before you're 18! Think about how many people you know that have created words that have made it into the dictionary... I don't know about you but William Shakespeare is the only person that I can think of and he's hardly a friend of mine.

Anyway, number 14 brings up another point that I've been meaning to write about for a while and it's to do with (sigh) instruments and playing new things in front of new people. I know that this isn't a new topic for me, so bear with me. I'm trying. Although this time it's a completely new thing - we played some new pieces in jazz band a few weeks ago and that didn't scare me at all. I am improving myself... slowly... it'd just be nice to be able to skip out the initial terror...

So Robbie and my cousin go to the same orchestra. I discovered this a few months back when I went to add my cousin on facebook and found out that we had one mutual friend and I rang Robbie up asking how the hell they both know each other. Robbie understands now I have cousins everywhere (I once watched a Dylan Moran stand up DVD, filmed in Dublin in 2005 and one of my cousins was in the audience!) They both play clarinet and I play clarinet and Robbie's ex also goes to the same orchestra and she plays clarinet. I think this serves to prove that clarinet is an awesome instrument. Anyway, a few months after adding my cousin, I was chatting to him and he suggested that I go to his orchestra sometime; he wouldn't mind picking me up. At this point, I was still helping out at drama on Wednesdays so I passed up the offer, but mentioned it to Robbie. To which Robbie suggested I go on their summer course at the end of July. So I thought why not? It'd be something to do in the summer and I'd get better.

A few weeks after deciding this, drama wasn't on. So to see what I was getting myself into, I asked my cousin for a lift to one of the sessions. Panic hit as soon as I'd asked. What had I got myself in to? But I managed to calm myself. I'd never actually heard Robbie play clarinet but I assumed he would be as decent I was. As for his ex, well that just made me nervous in itself. I expected her to be horrible to me (Robbie and I started going out two weeks after they broke up, though they were hardly serious) and to be not that good looking and about as good as me on clarinet. I did not expect to be shoved on a part alone straight away; for Robbie to be so good and for his ex to be so friendly, pretty, intelligent and... amazing at clarinet. Like recordable standard. I think, just to help my ego along, I imagine all of Robbie's exes to be subpar compared to me, and that I'm the best looking (and best in other catagories) girl he's been out with. So to meet his last one in the flesh and find out that seemingly there is nothing wrong with her hit me quite hard. Especially seeing as I was in an extremely vulnerable position as it was, with the whole instrument, new people thing... My thoughts that session pretty much alternated between pure terror of having to play and wondering why Robbie ever had a reason to break up with her?! I was hit with, and I'll admit it, pangs of jealousy for the first time in our (six month!) relationship and it wasn't nice.

The only thing worse than the first session was the second session, which I'd been coerced into attending. That one terrified me more, I think for the combined reason that I already knew what I was getting into and that I wasn't new anymore. I'd had my first session, so it's not like I could blame those first time nerves. They tuned the instruments up at first and as Robbie's ex (I should probably name her; she's most likely over it by now and not wanting to be labelled as such) and Robbie tuned, I had a mind blank and couldn't even remember how to play my tuning note. I narrowed it down to one of two, and quickly moved my finger when I played and it was wrong. I've only been playing for nine years, you see, these things are difficult... I was joined halfway through by a girl who is almost as unconfident in her playing as I was and we buoyed each other up slightly, but even still, I could have easily cried about ten times in that session.

The only thing worse than the second session, is the third. Which is this Wednesday coming. You see, I received all the information about the Summer course (a week long residential which I'm looking forward to... apart from the six hour rehearsals each day.) and mum rang up to check up on a few things. She then said that I'd be there on Wednesday to hand everything in. I think I would look forward to bungee jumping (see no.2 of the list) with more excitement. Robbie is not even going to be there, being away in Menorca until the 22nd. My cousin will be there, so it's not like I'll be entirely alone and he's beginning to understand just the pure terror playing in front of new people induces in me, but it won't be the same. Robbie's helped since the start of Jazz Band in September, helped me get through that and even just having him there is a comfort. I try and hide my fears by being mean to him and he sees through it and understands and... ARGH.

I know, I know, I know that by doing this it'll help me. It's the sole reason I started Jazz Band at college, and why I begged to be moved up from Swing Band. By putting myself into these terrifying situations, I will eventually work myself out of this irrational fear... well at least in the individual situation. But this is possibly my hardest challenge, and I'm not sure why. It's the hardest music I've played in a musical group situation for the clarinet - having missed my local orchestra auditions two years in a row - and I think the main problem for me is the course, where I'll have no chance to go home and cry. And I'll be stuck in the rehearsal situation for hours on end...

Robbie and my cousin both say that these courses are loads of fun, and everyone's standard of playing improves so much…

I just need to overcome this fear. And tick it off that damn list!

er, aren’t you supposed to…

I read this book once - Eve Green by Susan Fletcher - and I completely fell in love. It was so poetic in its description and it didn't surprise me at all to find that the author completely loved poetry. There was an interview with her in the final few pages which revealed that she went to the world renowned Creative Writing and English Literature course at the University of East Anglia, to which I just thought... 'I could go there!'

That was in the middle of year 11, my last year in high school, so University was far from my mind. I was too busy focussing on getting into the college I wanted. I didn't even have any idea what I wanted to do when I was older - as if I could write for a living, how's that going to keep me afloat financially? It was only once we got into college and the emphasis on deciding what we wanted to do in university early on became apparent that I really thought about it. At first, I considered doing something like English Language with Media Studies. There is basically no way I'm not doing English and I thought that course would help with job prospects. But then I heard more about how degrees don't directly affect your job or something and I did me some thinking. Because how many people do you reckon sit around and regret the life decisions they made because they didn't follow their hearts? And I know I know, I know I know, that if I didn't do a creative writing course, it would follow me. I'd stay awake at night, wondering why. I'd finish books and think about if I could have done something like that. True, I could write without the help of the course. But I might as well.

Besides, as soon as I do this Media exam on Monday, there's no way I'm wasting my time with that subject any longer.

So I looked again at this course at UEA and thought about it some more. Unfortunately, as the UEA course name suggests, one needs a full A Level in English Literature. You'd think I'd've worked that out pretty quickly but it wasn't until my PT pointed it out that I realised. As you may have surmised, I don't do English Lit. I thought English Language was enough English for me - it was the one I marginally liked more, due to my lifelong disagreement with poetry.

So I went to my English teacher and asked about doing a course in a year. I'd heard people talking about doing other courses in a year and wondered if it was possible for Lit. And she told me it was.

She took me then to the head of English who talked down to me for the next five minutes, saying how it wouldn't be easy - oh shit, really? -; I'd have to be in an AS class (the year I'm in now) as well as an A2 class (the year I'll be in as of September); and how the University might not accept me because I didn't take the course at the start of the two years. I did think maybe doing it in half the time would show more commitment but still. She also warned me to think of why I didn't take Lit in the first place and that if I didn't like reading, not to bother.

I didn't even try telling her that if it'd be a bit backward if wanted to write but hated reading.

Anyway, after a while of mulling it over, I told my English teacher that I wanted to do it for sure; informed my PT and asked a friend about what class she was in so I could join it - after these exams, we go back for four weeks to start our courses for next year so it'll be worthwhile for me to start then. As it happens, her class is when my Media class is. Perfect.
Besides the way I see it is:

Scenario 1: Everything works out perfectly, I enjoy Lit, get the grades, get into the university and all is well.

Scenario 2: I don't get onto the course - English Literature will help me with writing anyway, wherever I go.

Scenario 3: I hate it - I'll know not to go on the course and do a creative writing one without English Literature. Even if I do hate it, English Lit is bound to help me in some way or another.

And if I spend a hellish year devoting double the normal time to a lesson I end up hating, at the end of the day, it'll be over quickly and I'll have an idea about what course I want to do. It's winful, whichever way I look at it.

The best thing about taking up a full subject in half the allotted time is that I can drop two in its place. It's standard procedure to drop a subject at the end of the first college year. Sometimes people don't, sometimes they take up half of a new course in its place. But seeing as I'm still going to end up with the minimum (for my college) 3 A Levels anyway at the end of the two years, it's alright for me to drop two. Which means I can drop my lowest grade - French, definitely - and the one I dislike - need I say? - in one fell swoop. I love French but you've got to be economical. Especially when the Uni I want requires an AAB. I could do it... just, but not without a certain amount of stress.

The great thing about accepting this in my mind for sure is that people around me have been helping me so much. Mum looked out for courses in Mslexia - she says she would have done something like a creative writing course in another life - and booked me onto a one day 'Develop Yourself as a Writer' course in June. They usually don't take people under 19 onto the course but she explained how it'll help me get into Uni and hey presto, I got a place.

Me and Maeve also made a trip to the library today and I got chatting to the librarian, who hadn't seen me properly since I was about 12, so she was asking all about my future plans. I mentioned how I was wanting to do Creative Writing and she told me of a poetry course they had at the end of June. Now me and Poetry have never been friends in any way - writing or analysing - but I guess this would look good to the Uni and help me break down my barriers for it. It's not that I hate it, I just don't understand it.

The only problem is... well, the writing bit. er... well, I don't know if you've worked it out but... I've not exactly been doing it a lot lately. Of any genre - my life or otherwise. It's just not happened and every time I've got an idea for a blog, apathy just filled me as soon as I sat down. Or Facebook or YouTube or FML or Twitter called my name. Twitter actually, has a lot of blame on its little shoulders. I guess if I want to write in the future, I'd better start put some time aside for it. I have been trying, I've been meaning to but life and exams get in the way… I do have an idea that's just growing nicely in my head at the moment. But I need to give it some room soon or it'll disappear into the dark.

Actually… that's not the only problem. The other problem is my future. Because, most likely, I'll be stuck in a scrubby tiny little flat, doing menial jobs to keep myself afloat and trying to find time to write and live my life. Writing is hardly a solid career to go into and it wouldn’t surprise me if I found a partner who could keep me going whilst I wrote. My future will be uncertain and there’s no way I can be sure I’ll ever be published. In fact, it’s a lot more certain I’ll be stuck in a job I dislike.

Is it weird that I kind of look forward to that uncertainty with a certain amount of excitement?

Trust me

Click
(:

This time last year… [1]

On this day last year, I had my high school Leaver's do and got drunk for the first time ever. (:

I also had already done my Spanish Speaking and completed my Drama GCSE. How it feels like a million years ago.

Snapshots and stuff.

Dad: “A monk joined a monastery and was told that he'd have to spend the first 20 years of training in complete silence and only able to say a single sentence once every three years. So he went to his room and noticed that the window wouldn’t shut properly, letting in a big draft all the time. So after 3 years of keeping the vow, he was summoned before the Abbot and asked if he had anything to say. To which, he replied, "My window won’t shut properly; could you please fix it?" So they fixed the window, but there was still a huge draft from it. Three more years went by when he was again summoned before the Abbot. "Well, do you have anything to say now," the monk was asked. "My window still lets a draft through.” was the answer. After three more years the Abbot summoned him once more and asked if he'd like to speak. "I don’t think I’m cut out to be a monk!" he replied. "Well, I'm not surprised," replied the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you arrived.”

(Pause.)

Luke: “…what I don’t get about that joke is, right… they should have just got a piece paper and…” (Slowly tapers out.)

(Pause.)

“You really don’t get humour sometimes, do you?”

 

YES. That’s really the best I can offer right now. Psychology and English exams are in 8 days; French, 11 and Media is somewhere there in the distant future.
Goodnight. (:

Not dead

and with nothing special to say.
Clickez-moi et ecoutez.

I didn't fail my French Oral.
I'm sorting out taking up English Literature next year. The entire two year course in one.
In two weeks, I face three of my four big exams.
I'll be doing my clarinet grade sometime after that.
I can't finish my food. It's just slowly growing cold in front of me.
I've been writing a bit lately.
My laptop battery's about to die.
At the moment, I really dislike myself.